[Scene: Quarter-deck of H.M.S. 'Surprise'; ship cleared for action.
CAPT. AUBREY points to hammocks piled against the gunwales, and sings: - ]
As someday it may happen that these hammocks must be filled,
I've got a little list - I've got a little list
Of some shipboard malefactors who might usefully be spilled
And who never would be missed - who never would be missed!
There's the third or fourth lieutenant who indulges in the flute,
And the Edinburgh professor with his 'heugh' and 'hoot' and 'toot',
And the lubber in the afterguard who hasn't got a hope
Of telling sheet from backstay but refers to both as 'rope',
And the man who called me out of bed to view the morning mist* -
[glaring at Stephen]
By me he'd not be missed; God's death, he'd not be missed!
[Chorus of waisters]
You may put them on the list, you may put them on the list,
And we don't think they'd be missed; we're sure they'd not be missed!
There's the mid of seventeen or more who cannot hold his wine,
And who duels when he's pissed: I've got HIM on the list!
All captains who suppose their rule extends to things divine:
They never would be missed - they never would be missed!
And the parson with the beady eye who stops your mouth at meals,
And the hard-horse First who'd bend a boy and flog him till he squeals,
And the dirty wench at Pompey who at seamen sets her cap
Till she's cheated them of pay and prize and left them with the clap,
And that singular anomaly, the Gunroom lyricist -
I don't think he'd be missed; I'm sure he'd not be missed!
[Chorus as before]
You may put them on the list . . .
Then that Clerk of Eldin** follower who now is rather rife,
The Civilian Strategist: I've got HIM on the list!
And that fellow Awkward Davies who has chased me all my life:
He never would be missed - he never would be missed!
And those b*gg*rs at the Admiralty - names I mustn't say -
such as Glabrous Lord - ahem! - and Second Secretary - eh?
And Ha- 'rk, a gun!' and Le- 't me see!' and, yes, a certain Duke -
And that scoundrel on the Bench who scowled beneath his long perruque,
But, damme, it don't signify who's put upon the list,
For they'd none of them be missed; they'd none of them be missed!
[Chorus as before]
You may put them on the list . . .
*Vide 'The Surgeon's Mate'.
**John Clerk (1728-1812), Scottish businessman, amateur etcher, geologist and author of 'An Essay on Naval Tactics' (1790).