Charlezzzzz Asks ...
The Replies:
Charlezzzzz
Andy Keeler
Marian Van Til
Astrid Bear
Sara Waterson
Sarah Scott
Karen Swaine
Gerry Strey
Charlezzzzz - On Timming the Crusts
Martin Watts
The Triangles vs. Squares Dispute - Charles Gifford and Andy Keeler
Oscar Wilde on Cucumber Sandwiches - Charlezzzzz
Charlezzzzz Asks ...
A neighbor who has grown too much garden truck gave us a huge bag of tomatoes and cucumbers. Is there any special trick to English cucumber sandwiches? Does not one merely slice a cucumber, put it between two slices of bread, and eat it? Or perhaps not slice it at all? Merely eat it?
Charlezzzzz, suddenly realizing that ignorance has him in a pickle, and wishing to surprise Bernardine with newly-developed culinary skill
The Replies:
Andy Keeler
Assuming, Charlezzzzz, that you will be aspiring to the dizzy heights of the "Vicarage garden party" style of sandwich, the following points are likely to be deemed essential by erudite judges.......
1. Use only the very freshest, thinly sliced, white bread
2. Peel the cucumber first!
3. Slice very thinly, and layer, but not too thickly.
4. A modicum of salt and pepper will allow for artistic diversity
5. Cut sandwiches into small triangles.
6 Trim the crusts off man, for all love!!! Crusts on cucumber sandwiches are too gauche to even contemplate.
This said, cucumber alone is not unsurprisingly rather bland. A more acceptable rendition would be all the above, but including a base layer of tinned pink salmon.
Then all that remains is to dress up in your sunday best, acquire a few dozen wasps, stand stiffly on the lawn discussing the weather, consume the sandwiches with tea from ridiculously floral bone china cups........and there you have it.
Personally I'd go for pastrami on rye any day!
Charlezzzzz
Thank you, Andy. The cucumbers are ready, the white bread is thinly sliced, the vicar is knocking at the door, and the sandwich is amazingly bland. As for adding salmon, I have heard that salmon is a fish, and I eat nothing that lives under water. Will liverwurst be acceptable as a base layer, do you think?
Marian Van Til
Perhaps this would be heresy if that Right Reverend or his Circle were British, but, barring salmon, Charlezzzzz, you could try a judicious amount of mayonnaise. Real, of course. Not that awful Miracle Whip stuff.
Astrid Bear
The cucumber sandwiches I've encountered have had a liberal application of the very best butter, or cream cheese.
Sara Waterson
As Andy has pointed out: The secret is enough good butter - unsalted is best - a sprinkling of salt and quite a good sprinkling of powder-fine white pepper; and most importantly, the cucumber must be sliced VERY thinly. And you MUST remove the crusts of the bread.
I peel my cucumber in 'every other strip' fashion, before slicing, using a potato peeler; ie I take a strip, leave a strip etc - result is it looks dark and pale green striped, and you don't get too much peel in the sandwich, just enough for a tiny crunch.
Best alternative base is cream cheese.
Sarah Scott
Our version: Rye bread, a thin spread of mayo, thinly sliced cucumbers and a gentle sprinkle of lemon pepper.
To this day cucumber sandwiches are a staple -- though I have to say when the first grader takes them in his lunch box on pizza day his little classmates are grossed out.
Karen Swaine
A thin slice of onion (preferable a sweet variety) and some salt on the cuke. Or... very smooth egg salad. Or all 3. I think the salmon is a bit overwhelming; it's no longer a cuke sandwich,its a salmon sandwich.
Gerry Strey
It is essential in preparing a cucumber sandwich, that the cucumber be pared, slice, salted and left to exude some of its juice. Then rinse, pat dry and make into a sandwich. Firm, not flabby, white bread, some good mayonnaise, perhaps a sprig of dill, and, as others have stated, the crusts timmed.
The cucumber should by no means be flabby, but the edge must be taken off its crispness.
Charlezzzzz, firm, not flabby, like white bread. (Nor not dead.) - On Timming the Crusts
Of dill, one sprig.
One sprig, not big.
And mayonnaise
But just a touch --
Not much, not much
Of mayonnaise.
The vicar comes
And sings its praise.
The whole beach hums
When Killick comes
Across the sand: "Which
Here they are," says he,
Encumbered though he be
With all those crusts.
And damn, the whole sandwich idea busts
into prose because he never learned to tim,
so he can't tim the crusts.
Not he. Nor me.
The idea's grim,
Because who can find a rhyme for "cucumber"
And I already used up "encumber."
And, as I say, never knew how to tim
Or even rhyme
Sometimes.
Martin Watts
Take one cucumber. Take one half-baguette. Slice baguette open lengthways and spread butter on it. Take cucumber, remove skin if you wish, lay lengthways in the baguette...
You may prefer to just eat the baguette.
Personally I prefer Dr Johnson's recipe for cucumber:
"It has been a common saying of physicians in England, that a cucumber should be well sliced, and dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out, as good for nothing."
The Triangles vs. Squares Dispute - Charles Gifford and Andy Keeler
Andy:
1. Use only the very freshest, thinly sliced, white bread
Charlie:
This must be a white bread with a firm, fine crumb. This should be a small rectangular or square "sandwich" loaf.
Andy:
2. Peel the cucumber first!
3. Slice very thinly
Charlie:
Remove any seeds and layer in a colander. Salt and let drain for about a half hour. Rinse and pat very dry.
3b. Generously butter each slice on one side and lay on a baking sheet. You may use your favorite butter of course, but I prefer using salted soured-cream butter rather than unsalted and/or sweet cream butter. The butter should be high-butterfat. People in the U.S. will have trouble finding soured-cream butter as sweet cream is the norm. It can be found though, usually as an Imported butter or one of the newish American "European Style" butters. These butters also are the only ones that have enough butterfat as well.
Andy:
3. (cont.) ... and layer, but not too thickly.
Charlie:
I'll be annoying and emphasize a thin layer of cucumber. Too much cucumber is not good.
Andy:
4. A modicum of salt and pepper will allow for artistic diversity
Charlie:
I don't recommend pepper here. If you must use it, use white pepper! Salt may or may not be necessary. I sometimes am very daring and add a small pinch of minced fresh dill weed. A very small pinch or it will overpower the cucumber.
Andy:
5. Cut sandwiches into small triangles.
Charlie:
Cucumber sandwiches should be cut into small squares, NOT triangles. That is my opinion and I'll stick with it.
Andy:
Triangles it absolutely MUST be Charlie !....I sense a dispute of Lilliputian proportions coming on here.
May I suggest you seek exile in the court of the Emperor of Blefuscu with the Big-endians.......and take your heathen square sandwiches with you sir!
Charlie:
In defense of square cut cucumber sandwiches, I can only say that I have never been served one cut in triangles and I have eaten a great many of these sandwiches. Ditto watercress sandwiches. I have seen a trend for such sandwiches to be cut in circles and other decorative shapes using special cutters in the last few years, but find such things distasteful.
Earlier I outlined my method for making them for afternoon tea and would as soon serve bacon butties than make my cucumber sandwiches triangular. Note: I'd rather eat a bacon buttie, but not for afternoon tea.
Oscar Wilde on Cucumber Sandwiches - Charlezzzzz
Act I of The Importance of Being Earnest (Part 1)
First Act, Part 1
Scene
Morning-room in Algernon's flat in Half-Moon Street. The room is luxuriously and artistically furnished. The sound of a piano is heard in the adjoining room.
[Lane is arranging afternoon tea on the table, and after the music has ceased, Algernon enters.]
Algernon. Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?
Lane. I didn't think it polite to listen, sir.
Algernon. I'm sorry for that, for your sake. I don't play accurately - any one can play accurately - but I play with wonderful expression. As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte. I keep science for Life.
Lane. Yes, sir.
Algernon. And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell?
Lane. Yes, sir. [Hands them on a salver.]
Algernon. [Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa.] Oh!... by the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday night, when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of champagne are entered as having been consumed.
Lane. Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint.
Algernon. Why is it that at a bachelor's establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne? I ask merely for information.
Lane. I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir. I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand.
Algernon. Good heavens! Is marriage so demoralising as that?
Lane. I believe it IS a very pleasant state, sir. I have had very little experience of it myself up to the present. I have only been married once. That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person.
Algernon. [Languidly.] I don't know that I am much interested in your family life, Lane.
Lane. No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject. I never think of it myself.
Algernon. Very natural, I am sure. That will do, Lane, thank you.
Lane. Thank you, sir. [Lane goes out.]
Algernon. Lane's views on marriage seem somewhat lax. Really, if the lower orders don't set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them? They seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility.
[Enter Lane.]
Lane. Mr. Ernest Worthing.
[Enter Jack.]
[Lane goes out.]
Algernon. How are you, my dear Ernest? What brings you up to town?
Jack. Oh, pleasure, pleasure! What else should bring one anywhere? Eating as usual, I see, Algy!
Algernon. [Stiffly.] I believe it is customary in good society to take some slight refreshment at five o'clock. Where have you been since last Thursday?
Jack. [Sitting down on the sofa.] In the country.
Algernon. What on earth do you do there?
Jack. [Pulling off his gloves.] When one is in town one amuses oneself. When one is in the country one amuses other people. It is excessively boring.
Algernon. And who are the people you amuse?
Jack. [Airily.] Oh, neighbours, neighbours.
Algernon. Got nice neighbours in your part of Shropshire?
Jack. Perfectly horrid! Never speak to one of them.
Algernon. How immensely you must amuse them! [Goes over and takes sandwich.] By the way, Shropshire is your county, is it not?
Jack. Eh? Shropshire? Yes, of course. Hallo! Why all these cups? Why cucumber sandwiches? Why such reckless extravagance in one so young? Who is coming to tea?
Algernon. Oh! merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen.
Jack. How perfectly delightful!
Algernon. Yes, that is all very well; but I am afraid Aunt Augusta won't quite approve of your being here.
Jack. May I ask why?
Algernon. My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwendolen is perfectly disgraceful. It is almost as bad as the way Gwendolen flirts with you.
Jack. I am in love with Gwendolen. I have come up to town expressly to
propose to her.
Algernon. I thought you had come up for pleasure?... I call that business.
Jack. How utterly unromantic you are!
Algernon. I really don't see anything romantic in proposing. It is very romantic to be in love. But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal. Why, one may be accepted. One usually is, I believe. Then the excitement is all over. The very essence of romance is uncertainty. If ever I get married, I'll certainly try to forget the fact.
Jack. I have no doubt about that, dear Algy. The Divorce Court was specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously constituted.
Algernon. Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject. Divorces are made in Heaven - [Jack puts out his hand to take a sandwich. Algernon at once interferes.] Please don't touch the cucumber sandwiches. They are ordered specially for Aunt Augusta. [Takes one and eats it.]
Jack. Well, you have been eating them all the time.
Algernon. That is quite a different matter. She is my aunt. [Takes plate from below.] Have some bread and butter. The bread and butter is for Gwendolen. Gwendolen is devoted to bread and butter.
Jack. [Advancing to table and helping himself.] And very good bread and butter it is too.
Algernon. Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you were going to eat it all. You behave as if you were married to her already. You are not married to her already, and I don't think you ever will be.
Jack. Why on earth do you say that?
Algernon. Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don't think it right.
Jack. Oh, that is nonsense!
Algernon. It isn't. It is a great truth. It accounts for the extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over the place. In the second place, I don't give my consent.
Jack. Your consent!
Algernon. My dear fellow, Gwendolen is my first cousin. And before I allow you to marry her, you will have to clear up the whole question of Cecily. [Rings bell.]
Jack. Cecily! What on earth do you mean? What do you mean, Algy, by Cecily! I don't know any one of the name of Cecily.
[Enter Lane.]
Algernon. Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing left in the smoking-room the last time he dined here.
Lane. Yes, sir. [Lane goes out.]
Jack. Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this time? I wish to goodness you had let me know. I have been writing frantic letters to Scotland Yard about it. I was very nearly offering a large reward.
Algernon. Well, I wish you would offer one. I happen to be more than usually hard up.
Jack. There is no good offering a large reward now that the thing is found.
[Enter Lane with the cigarette case on a salver. Algernon takes it at once. Lane goes out.]
[[ Now comes a long, forced, unlovely snip on the cigarette case, Bunburying in the country and other matters not directly relevant to cucumber sandwiches ]]
Jack. For heaven's sake, don't try to be cynical. It's perfectly easy to be cynical.
Algernon. My dear fellow, it isn't easy to be anything nowadays. There's such a lot of beastly competition about. [The sound of an electric bell is heard.] Ah! that must be Aunt Augusta. Only relatives, or creditors, ever ring in that Wagnerian manner. Now, if I get her out of the way for ten minutes, so that you can have an opportunity for proposing to Gwendolen, may I dine with you to-night at Willis's?
Jack. I suppose so, if you want to.
Algernon. Yes, but you must be serious about it. I hate people who are not serious about meals. It is so shallow of them.
[Enter Lane.]
Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax.
[Algernon goes forward to meet them. Enter Lady Bracknell and Gwendolen.]
Lady Bracknell. Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you are behaving very well.
Algernon. I'm feeling very well, Aunt Augusta.
Lady Bracknell. That's not quite the same thing. In fact the two things rarely go together. [Sees Jack and bows to him with icy coldness.]
Algernon. [To Gwendolen.] Dear me, you are smart!
Gwendolen. I am always smart! Am I not, Mr. Worthing?
Jack. You're quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.
Gwendolen. Oh! I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for developments, and I intend to develop in many directions. [Gwendolen and Jack sit down together in the corner.]
Lady Bracknell. I'm sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury. I hadn't been there since her poor husband's death. I never saw a woman so altered; she looks quite twenty years younger. And now I'll have a cup of tea, and one of those nice cucumber sandwiches you promised me.
Algernon. Certainly, Aunt Augusta. [Goes over to tea-table.]
Lady Bracknell. Won't you come and sit here, Gwendolen?
Gwendolen. Thanks, mamma, I'm quite comfortable where I am.
Algernon. [Picking up empty plate in horror.] Good heavens! Lane! Why are there no cucumber sandwiches? I ordered them specially.
Lane. [Gravely.] There were no cucumbers in the market this morning, sir. I went down twice.
Algernon. No cucumbers!
Lane. No, sir. Not even for ready money.
Algernon. That will do, Lane, thank you.
Lane. Thank you, sir. [Goes out.]
Algernon. I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being no cucumbers, not even for ready money.
Lady Bracknell. It really makes no matter, Algernon. I had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.
Algernon. I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.
---------------------------------
On and on it goes, the darling play. If you see the movie, make sure it is the 1952 version, not the limping pastiche created a couple of years back. The '52 is one of the ten movies to take to my desert island -- I haven't picked the rest yet, except for the fillum, of course. And maybe Dr Strangelove, and... (snippo) Here's the cast list:
Michael Redgrave ... Jack (né Ernest) Worthing
Richard Wattis ... Seaton, Worthing's Butler
Michael Denison ... Algernon Moncrieff
Walter Hudd ... Lane, Algy's Butler
Edith Evans ... Lady Bracknell
Joan Greenwood ... Gwendolyn Fairfax
Dorothy Tutin ... Cecily Cardew
Margaret Rutherford ... Miss Letitia Prism
Miles Malleson ... Canon Chasuble
Aubrey Mather ... Merriman the country Butler
Ivor Barnard, director
Which it's the Patrick O'Brian list of the world!